Wednesday, February 15, 2006

A Simple Formula

The Bush Administration + weapons = madcap hijinks and hilarity!

They're such cut-ups. They keep everyone in stitches. They make Homer Simpson seem thoughtful. They make the Three Stooges seem methodical. They make Joseph Stalin seem like their hero. It's a riot!

Here's what I want to see: take Saddam Hussein out of jail and give him his own show. I'm not kidding. I'm talking about Comedy Gold here. This would be the reality TV show of all time. Here's the opening scene:

Saddam sits on a ratty couch wearing a stained wife beater with a Bud tall in one hand, the remote in the other, and a bowl of pork rinds in his lap. The camera is behind the TV, his angry and confused mug staring straight into it as reruns of the Jeffersons play. In walks someone who looks like a cross between Opie from the Andy Griffith Show and Alfred E. Newman. He stands just behind the couch and says: "Hey Saddam, have you seen my uranium enrichment tubes anywhere?"

Saddam doesn't say a word, just shifts to one side and rips a fart so loud that the Elvis collector plates rattle on the wall behind.

"Damn dude. Is that how you gassed the Kurds?" Says the goofy guy with the ears.

Canned laughter goes full tilt as the music and the opening credits come up. The music sounds like part Benny Hill, part Britney Spears with a fast, staccato trumpet line and a heavily studio processed, husky female voice singing "It's the Dubya and Bubba Show!"

Alternatively, if Saddam isn't available for the part, Dick Cheney could play it. They're practically the same guy, anywayz.

I'm telling you: Comedy Gold!

Saturday, February 11, 2006

Please, god.

If I could just see a gay human-badger and a gay human-ostrich joined in holy wedlock by a woman in a persistant vegetative state while aboard a space-ship on a manned mission to Mars, I would renounce all of my cynicism and believe everything that the President has ever said.

I would have no choice.

I think it is delicious irony the way conservatives who are in favor of the war in Iraq and of promoting Democracy there must talk out both sides of their mouths. For anyone who is paying attention can clearly see that in order for it to work, we must convince the people of Iraq to renounce their conservative views and become more liberal in their ways: equality, women's rights, the whole bit. I love that.

Perhaps, too, conservatives will see that without liberal views, we would all still be living in the dark ages. Of course, many of them seem to want nothing more than to return there. But it doesn't matter.

Thank god, liberals always win. Conservative sticks-in-the-mud can dig their heals in and plot and scheme to wreck the wheels of progress, and they do, and will continue to do so. But just as we can no longer believe that evil spirits are the cause of common ailments, or that the earth is the center of the universe, or that it's flat, we have no choice but to grow up, accept reality, and get wise.

And that's what being liberal is all about.

Oh, and just a reminder: the President and his kabal lied bald-facedly to the American people to start the war in Iraq which has made the world much less safe (its only benefit has been to Haliburton and a few other war profiteers), and he has no intention of finishing it or returning the money it's wasting. When he said "Mission Accomplished," he meant "Mission Accomplished."

Sleep well!